I Can Be A Brave Girl

 Photo from here

Sometimes it just takes a moment to grab your attention and clarify so many things that you've been hiding in your heart.  Let me start at the beginning:   I had to make a stop by my clinical site that I will be interning with this coming Spring and Summer, to have the Director sign my contract.  No big deal, I had made the decision to finish my Masters this year, (previous blog post about it here) and I was settled in that decision....or so I thought.  I showed up with my contract in one hand and my 2 year old son in the other.  He slept horribly the night before and we were both a bit unhinged that day because of it.  While waiting in the lobby for the receptionist to help me, my son started to throw an oh-so-typical 2 year old tantrum.  (over a walking cane he found in the closet from when I tore a ligament 2 years ago, and that he insisted that he carry it with him from our house - dont I feel ridiculous) There I was dressed up in my business-y clothes trying to appear like a capable counseling intern, while feeling like a frazzled exhausted mother ready to tear her hair out.  I frantically hand over the paper to the woman trying to help me, but who was now backing towards the door to her office escaping the shrieks of pure rage and frustration coming from my child (BTW: who is now sprawled on the floor in the middle of the very small waiting room).  I scooped him up quickly and ran to the car, him fighting me the entire way trying to get down.  Ever try to strap an unwilling screaming toddler into a carseat while strangers are watching you?  Dont try it, it takes forever, and its humiliating.  He kept screaming, even when I got him buckled and shut the door, even when we drove out onto the highway, even when we were 3 miles down the road....and then silence...he fell asleep...and I started to cry.

Then my own insecurities crept in, the worry, the doubt, the second guessing my choice to leave him with a sitter for 20 hours a week for 2 semesters.  I got home and started to freak out and had pretty much convinced myself after one very long neurotic train of thought that I should just stay home, be a good mom, and forget about finishing school.  I started to realize that I had been harboring a lot of unconscious tension and stress over my impending return to school, and that its been surfacing in other ways unbeknownst to me over the last couple weeks.  Namely, my ability to cope with my normal 2 year old's behavior and my ability to access that part deep within me that helps me make GOOD art.  This was my artistic block.  I finally got it.  I started to pray about it, and a little bit later randomly came across these incredible words posted on this very inspiring woman's blog:

Dear Lovely Girl,

It is going to be ok. Take a deep breath and then another, and just know that everything is going to be just fine.

That big thing you are fearing is so much bigger in your imagination than it is in real life...and it is all going to work out. You know from experience that not everything is easy, or comes easy....but that you have always made it through everything that has come along. You will make it through this too.

Please don't be afraid of change, dear friend, change has to happen for things to grow...for things to get better.....for things to become what they are meant to become. Change is good. Change is uncomfortable and scary and sometimes seems unnecessary....but change MUST happen for things to progress.

You have a choice in this moment and in the next....and the next and the next and the next. So, if it's too hard to choose peace in this moment....know that you have the choice to choose it in the next. You get as many chances as you need to choose to feel peace......and, you can do this. You can feel peace even inside of uncertainty.

Just be still, and listen very closely.

It really is going to be ok....and there really is a plan.

You are very very loved.

I was floored.  This was exactly what I needed to hear right then.  My heart calmed, my spirit breathed, I started to feel a bit whole again.  This was an email that was sent to participants from a recent women's retreat.  I wanted to know more and so checked out the website of the Brave Girls Club.  I added their blog to my sidebar, as I instantly knew that I would want to come back again and again for words of support, comfort, and empowerment.  It is a truly beautiful site, run by some very beautiful souls.  I also decided to sign up for this e-course that they are offering in January.  It felt like exactly what I needed while I am letting my heart and soul rest, while I am restoring, and while I am opening myself up to a new path in my life.   Here's the flyer for it and I am very excited to be a part of it at the same time that I start my journey back into the counseling world.

So these are the words that I have for myself today and maybe they are words that you need as well.  Today is a powerful day.  Today I will embrace my own true beauty and worth.  I will be courageous.  I will be a Brave Girl.  I can do this.